Foreshadowing at its Finest

Even 24 hours later, I am still in shock. Even now, I have an urge to look outside my front window to make sure I haven't lost my mind. The second blizzard hit Thursday. Friday I was calling the snow hotline, to see if I would have to go into work. C looks out the window, "where's your car?" Annoyed I respond, "outside - out front." "no it's not." "yeah it is." Sure enough I shuffle to the window and don't see my jeep. My brain sorts through a matrix of possibilities. Could it have been towed? No, cars around it still sit where their drivers left them. Could it be that I can't see it because of the snow blowing? A quick dress and jaunt outside revealed that indeed, it was gone. Did a family member take it? Or as my mother suggested, did someone borrow it b/c they had to get somewhere in this terrible weather and will return it? Did someone hit it, tow it and is it now in an auto-shop being repaired? Did it roll away? Did I park it somewhere else and have simply lost my mind?
I couldn't even see tire tracks - which would indicate someone helped themselves last night. Was it while I sat in my apartment watching a "The Office" re-run? While I was fast asleep?
When I first called the police, they explained they couldn't even take a report while short staffed due to the weather. I called my insurance office and explained to the woman who answered the phone, "my car was stolen." She laughed and laughed and laughed...I almost started crying, but then when she said she was surprised I was so funny about it; I understood that my own stoic demeanor had encouraged her response.
I called the police back and was able to speak to an officer, whom, I of course now have a crush on. Will he be my knight in shining armor? Is this God's will - that I would meet my future husband as a result of my stolen car? Unfortunately I have no information on his physical or marital status so I need to put the reigns on it. Why does a single woman's mind always go there?
I've processed through the disbelief. Now I'm just angry. Angry at criminals, at their justification, their entitlement, they lack of conviction and remorse.

How long do I wait to see if it is found? When do I start looking at getting a new car? Will the insurance claim adjuster fight to give me nothing for my baby. Will I start over with new car payments and higher insurance? Will I get my jeep back trashed but salvageable just below or just above my $500 deductible? Will I be bitter and angry for much longer?
I suppose the stolen basket from a few weeks ago was the foreshadowing in my story. And just as typical in so many plots...it went undetected.

Snow Day!

Yesterday they let us go home around noon. Crazy blowing wind and snow. I went to the grocery store to pick up all the necessities for grilled cheese, soup, sugar cookies and chocolate chip cookies. Once safe at home, I screamed - out of jubulation, of course. I found my self dancing around, singing and smiling...warm tingly sensation pulsing through my body - almost alarming. There is marked concern that I should be so excited to get a half day off of work.
I had a wonderful lunch and then began baking. My peanut butter balls did not want to be balls. My sugar cookies looked like crackers - it was a disater, really. But, no loss. There is something about throwing on an apron and getting flour on my hands that is just right, even if the goodies aren't so good. Chris came home later in the afternoon and we watched Pride and Prejudice - the LONG BBC version. 5 hours later I was thinking in a british accent.
Today: another snow day. Woohoo! I slept in, chatted on the phone, attempted sugar cookies again and watched Pillow Talk, "and you Miss Morrow are an emergency." Life is good.

Uke

I just ran to the local guitar shop. I used to go pretty regularly and developed a strange crush on the guy who would re-string my guitar. He is older and kind of small and not very attractive, but very kind and can pick up any stringed instrument and just start strumming. Guitar players have a special place in my heart.
I eventually gave up on the dream of playing the guitar well. My strings kept breaking and it wasn't until attempting to learn how to pick that I realized I should have learned on a left-handed guitar. I originally thought I'd just get the hang of it and my hands wouldn't know any better - but when we got to plucking those strings it was evident that my right hand is a little "slower." I think my left hand got bitter and it was a whole big mess.
I went in today to buy a Christmas gift. My dad explained he wanted a beginner's book for the Ukulele. Don't ask - I've decided Christmas is a time where you should be able to put whatever on your list and not have to answer questions - good gifts are the ones you want but would never buy for yourself. And so, I was at the shop with Mr. Used-to-be-crush. There was THE sweetest older woman sitting down, holding a little ukulele or "uke" as the Mr. Used-to-be-crush calls it. Real hip on the lingo, you know. She was trying to remember chords and explained to her friend and Mr. Utbc, that when she was young she would play "Onward Christian Soldier" outside of her church. She was adorable, gray hair and bundled in a pink wool coat. Mr. Utbc, asked her how long it had been since she played. "Oh, I was 5 or 6. I just remember standing outside with a group and we would play 'Onward Christian Soldiers.' I guess it was just a couple chords, but now I can't remember what they were. They're small enough, you know, I could play it in the car." Mr. Utbc, picked up the uke she was buying and just started playing a tune. She looked at me and said, "Now, didn't he just play that so good?" It was true, I didn't explain to her that some of us have a weakness for that. We all flipped through the beginners books, trying to find the best one. I settled on "First Lessons" with a promise on the front that "it doesn't get any easier..."
We'll see how dad does with it. If he doesn't have the knack maybe I could give the uke a try, trade in the guitar for a little something smaller. Something I could play in the car. I know where to get the strings changed.

Life is hard

Old men are gross....well, maybe young guys are gross too...but old guys are grosser. I was talking to a co-worker about a very serious topic, when an old fart walks by, sees the co-worker's picture of John Wayne (with a caption, by the way, that says "Life is hard. Life is harder if you're stupid.") The old guy says to me, "John Wayne...so when you look at that, do you think he's hot?" John Wayne?! What?! I respond uncomfortably nervous, "no, not hot."

Today, I ran into an old client, who is old. We have nice chit chat. Then he says to me, "so, how do you stay looking so good? I saw you in your car the other day, you drive a jeep don't you? I was on the bus and thought, 'whose that good looking girl?' I tapped on the window but you didn't notice, probably thinking far off about a good-looking man." Right old man...good-bye.

Yesterday, Mr. is john hot, was judging the Christmas doors and joked about how they were talking about the door (not me as I walked out of it) but that they had given me a 9/10. First of all, 9? Second of all, I was flattered...until I realized it felt gross. And he's an old man...grosser.
-jlt

Office Space: Part I

The other day I passed a co-worker's office and was horrified to see what was sitting on her desk. A fishnetted leg lamp! Like in the Christmas story. We work with criminals...many of them creepy with poor social boundaries. Why the leg lamp?! I should also explain the office owner conducts her meetings with the overhead light off and the leg lamp on.
I have now found myself looking in my co-workers' offices searching for other shocking collections.
To date I have seen in the same office *gasp* pillows on a bookshelf. Two have musical notes and the third, which is placed in the middle (obviously for equality and balance), a boxer dog.
A female co-worker has hanging from her bulletin board, a string of green mardi-gras beads. How did she get those?!
Also, one single key chain hanging on a nail in the middle of an otherwise empty wall.
There is also a poster of a frothy cold beer - I should explain this poster is produced and displayed to deter drinking and driving with an explanation that the beer could cost several thousand dollars when all is said and done. My point, when I see the poster I want a cold frothy beer and so, this seems inappropriate.
Note: I have labeled this "Part I" because I fully expect (and secretly hope) to discover more inproprieties.
-jlt

It's Christmas time in the city...

I met my friend at Mimi's this week. We met for coffee at 7:45 pm. I had a gift basket in my jeep. A basket filled with food and grocery gift certificates for a friend and her family. My parent's contribution... complete with 3 festive green Christmas bows. I thought about hiding it in my jeep while getting out heading into Mimi's. I decided, however, the parking lot was not too packed, the dinner rush was over...and who was going to steal a basket of tuna fish and pringles? An hour and a half later I came out to my car...as I approached my vehicle I saw a green bow laying on the pavement by the passenger door. S*@t! Sure enough. The basket gone. Someone took a basket of food intended for a deserving family. What has this world come to? These criminals suck the life out of me all day at work...and then they rob from me at night. I was so disgusted with the world and sin.
And then - my consolation prize: My thief did not leave me empty handed. At the floorboard was a neatly stacked collection of CDs. How bizarre! Maybe this isn't so bad, maybe I'll expand my CD collection. Probably 30 CDs left, just for me. I flipped through them in the dark of my car, only to discover they are all Korean and Chinese! Every last one of them. Probably taken from some other victim's vehicle. Perhaps someone out there is blogging about losing a decade of soundtracks and favorites. I thought it might be a way for me to expand my cultural bubble. I've tried to listen to them...but I don't know what they're singing about...and I can't sing along.-jlt

Oh the Harror! The Spinal Tap!

Well, I don't recommend a spinal tap. The procedure is officially over but the pain lingers. I'm walking like an old woman...pain in the back. The doctor, radiologist, nurse all told me that compared to other procedures this would be mild - what no one realized is that I wasn't having any of the other procedures and so, in no way, shape or form, would I be relieved when experiencing the pain of this one. They told me to drink lots of fluids and caffeine. I chugged water like I was competing with Billy Bob with Pabst Blue Ribbon at the local dive. Caffeine? Perfect excuse for some extra Starbucks. I picked up a Venti coffee on my way...I had trouble lifting the cup without wobbling - no one should drink that much coffee?! I went to the bathroom at least 5 times prior to the tap. My radiologist was a comedian and there is nothing quite like fake laughing while scared and jittering from the venti. Two of the radiologist were giving each other a hard time about doing the wrong thing or putting the file in the wrong place....my consolation: as they bent over and around me, I could see their security badge photos and seeing as they received the badge while they both had more, darker hair...I figured they probably (or at least should) know what they were doing. The doctor numbed the area - why must we experience pain to eliminate pain? and then pressed hard into my back with the needle...then hit a nerve - my leg started shaking...trippy! Went at again and I totally flailed - which is frowned upon in these kind of procedures. The dr showed me the vials of my spinal fluid that would be sent to the lab, "see, looks just like water!"
I successfully spent 24 hours on my back - which was easier than expected. Thanks mom! And no bed pan!
-jlt

Country Kick

So, I'm all into country music these days. Can't get enough of it. Don't get me wrong, I still like to check in on my hiphop gangstas....but after a couple minutes, I just want some good ol'fashioned country tunes....am I getting old?
I was in my car this morning, coming from the gym (which is a place that country doesn't really work) and was jamming to a little Akon... and then I listened to the words. Here is just a brief excerpt from his top of the charts single:

Maybe go to my place and just kick it, like Taebo.
And possibly bend you over.
Look back and watch me
smack that, all on the floor,
smack that, give me some more,
smack that, 'till you get sore
smack that, oooh.
smack that, all on the floor,
smack that, give me some more,
smack that, 'till you get sore,
smack that, oooh.

Smack that? Are you serious? Bend you over? Eeeewwww!

I'm learning to love the lyrics in country music - much less eewwwing going on. Now, I'm fully aware that not all the songs encourage good morals or are even well-written, but most have much better lyrics. For instance, my good buddy Brad Paisley:

She's the voice I love to hear
Someday when I'm ninety
She's that wooden rocking chair
I want rocking right beside me
Everyday that passes
I only love her more
Yeah, she's the one
That I'd lay down my own life for

Excuse me... I think I'm going to need a moment.

jlt

Lunch

I was invited to join my co-workers for lunch. It's been one of the hardest things about my new job. Lack of socialization with co-workers. Today, the ex invited me to join them for Chinese. Right on! I'm in! I have realized that any invitation that is turned down requires a lot of work to "make right" so I was all over this one. We went to the Chinese restaurant down the alley. The experience was horribly disappointing. It was a crazy slam fest, with the four men and one other woman smack-talking each other. My ex, who, I imagine knows me well enough to know I was uncomfortable, would occasionally ask me a bizarrely normal question like, "So, what is your family doing for Thanksgiving?" which would be followed by someone threatening to tell someone else's embarrassing stories from college. Like, X-rated stories?! It was the kind of environment where you try at first to fit in, give some input and then you realize it is not only completely futile because you've got nothing to add to their inside stories....but you don't even want to assimilate to the group. I've been bummed that I haven't been invited to more of these lunches??? Are you kidding me?! It's been a blessing?! Sweet and sour chicken has never tasted so sour.

Laundromat

I recently went to the laundromat to do some massive washing. I needed to wash my couch slipcover before hosting a party and saw it as a great opportunity to get all of my laundry done...without having to climb the 4 flights of stairs to the basement washroom. I dragged all my dirty clothes to the laundromat on Platte. I walked in and was immediatley concerned. There were "Apartment Guides" thrown on the floor, a couple of old dryer sheets and a puddle of water from a leaking washing machine. The mega washers (the whole reason I came to the laundromat) were all broken - yes, all 4 of them. So I shoved the slipcover in a standard washing machine and gave the on-site security camera a look to imply, "it's your own fault." I loaded up 4 machines. I couldn't get one to stay balanced, so the spin would stop. Another machine started with a spin cycle - never washed the clothes. I had to transfer my soapy clothes to another machine and pay another $1.25 to try again. The machines were called "Speedy Wash" and speedy it was. Too speedy. Are my clothes really getting cleaned? I sat in the place by myself - at first relieved I didn't have to avoid eye contact with someone for an hour. But as time passed, I became very aware that while I had difficulty seeing outside through the reflective glass, the whole world and passing Platte could clearly see me. Sketchy - very sketchy. At one point, the door slammed open and a guy came in with a beanie on his head...freaked me out. Fortunately he only asked for the time but I was all kinds of ready to shout out: "Stay back - I've been to defensive skills training and my hands are weapons!" The clothes took too long in the dryer and I found myself folding damp jeans. I left with 4 loads of cleanish laundry - but next time, I think I'm just going to make the trek down the stairs to the basement.

Mount Me

Last week I went to a "defensive skills training" for my job. A whole week in Denver, away from home and on dirty, smelly gym mats. We were in training at the Denver Police Academy - eh hum - is it PT time for the cadets again? I thought I'd be challenged to work on some Billy Blank moves, in fact I joked about it before going. Not so funny. It was 4 1/2 days of non-stop physical activity. After the first day, an afternoon of wrist grabs I had bruises on my arms. By Tuesday night I thought there was no way I would make it through the rest of the week. Side kicks, mule kicks, front punch, hammer punch, palm heel...."get into your ready stance...kick, kick, kick, punch, left turn, kick, right turn, kick, palm heel, palm heel." There were times when the trainers would direct us to find a partner - I was always looking for the weak girls. Erin, a co-worker was someone I stayed away from. Clearly competetive and dangerous she really grabbed and she really kicked. Every few minutes they would yell out to find a new partner. It was worse than a junior high dance - trying to find someone who wants to be your partner, realizing you're the only one around who hasn't found anyone to match up with yet and then finding the other loser - you both hold resentment toward one another.
The highlight of my grueling week was "ground fighting" day. "Okay everyone, once you've found a partner I want you to mount them." It's true - an afternoon of sitting on each other and being rolled over and on top of one another -does it get more awkward...."Okay, for those of you ladies who haven't worked with a male partner yet, you need to find one, everyone needs to work with a guy."
Well, let's be honest folks - it was the most action I've gotten in a long time -rolling around with a strange man.
My body was so sore each night that turning over in my sleep was a chore. Standing up and sitting down a dramatic accomplishment. My roomate, Sarah woke up on Wednesday and yelled, "I don't want to f@#*g do this anymore." I shared her anger but was shocked when she started cursing in her sleep.
I find myself more sensitive, waiting for someone to grab me so I can take them down. I was prepared while in a Panera bathroom stall with someone pacing the small room. I followed their feet was ready to defend myself should that attack me. Watch out or I might mount you.
-jlt

Late Starts

A co-worker of mine has quadruplets....4 babies, all at once. Mom strolled them in today with their 4 seater. Precious little babies - all different: the loud one, the leader, the small one, the giggler. Absolutely precious! The babies were good - for awhile - and mom was calm and pleasant, dad was proud. I got a little veklempt - precious babies are no where near in my future. But, I have decided that is the way to go - I'm clearly getting a late start on child bearing, so when and if it happens...quadruplets! One big production, for babies and viola, a family!
-JLT

No No Manolo

So a random stop in ROSS last night and I find the Perfect shoes! They're exactly what I've been looking for. Brown. Cute opening at top with just enough room for 3 toes and a nice heel - but not a wedge - gotta watch out for those weak ankles. I've seen others for $50 - so when I saw these for just $14.99 - what a deal?! I had a hard time getting a feel for their comfort. I find it difficult to shuffle across the shoe aisle while my two feet are chained together. I do my best and decide, for the price, they are worth the risk. I put them on this morning. So cute with my outfit. I will bedazzle the world today in these shoes. The world is my oyster in these shoes today. I write this from my office, much later in the day. I am dreading any obligation to get up and hobble to get my appointment all the way down the hallway. I surely won't print anything that will require me to make an extra trip to the copier. I'm working on blisters on the top of my sad little toes. I have rubbed the back of my ankle raw and the balls of my feet are very unhappy. Darn these shoes! They are my prison. The world will not see me today, because my shoes have me shackled in a chair. This has gone all wrong. These shoes have back-fired! After some deep thought, I have discovered that there really isn't anyone to bedazzle. Such a shame. These blisters in vain.
-jlt

Pull my finger

I had a pretty eventful weekend a couple weeks ago. I climbed the incline! It became something I "have to do" just this summer, previously I thought people who climbed the incline were kind of crazy and extreme. CAT and I started in the morning and huffed and puffed our way to the top. I forgot the torture it was before we ever got down and the sense of accomplishment has carried me for weeks. Princess Warrior, I am.
That afternoon I went to a beer festival in Manitou Springs with 2 friends - sisters, who showed up dressing all kinds of sassy that made me very aware of my feet of height over them and my casual appearance. We arrived and learned there were 85 beers. It became our task to, among the 3 of us, sample them all. Woa! It was a good time, beer, live music and a friendly crowd. I met Randy. Turns out he lives up where the parent's have a cabin. "You should come out for the tractor pull next weekend." He hands me his business card, which, no kidding is a picture of him on a tractor. I call him later to get details on "the pull" and he returns the message with the details. Kind of fun! I'm on the country music kick with heightened romanticism of men who work with their hands, ride tractors and say "yee haw." This might be fun.
Needless to say, what followed was disappointing:
If you haven't been, tractor pulls, not very exciting. Don't get me wrong it was fun to feel the community-kind-of-gathering and hear people yelling "go Bob!" But over all, pretty tame.
After some awkwardness of meeting up with Randy, we (2 new friends - 1 married, who can be assured she got a good one) confirmed we had been invited to a bbq at his place. Once we arrived it was clear that "I think your tractor's sexy" lyrics didn't tell all. How were we to know that tractor boys don't necessarily wash their hands after the event? There was no warning that these guys would prefer to pee outside on the land instead of going in to the bathroom, not to mention the confusion on whether there was another roll of toilet paper. I wasn't prepared for a dolly in the dining room, or the guy who lost his tooth after he'd taken it out to eat - only to find it on the dirty carpet later that evening, where he promplty popped it back in. Wasn't exactly the Tim McGraw, Keith Urban, Brad Paisley crowd I had hoped for.

The next day my friends and I went off-roading. There is something so fun about bouncing around in my jeep. The top off. The sun shining. The smell of mountain.

Good times, great memories, but I'm afraid no prince charmings.
-JLT

Ex = Co

Everybody knows it, everybody says it - "don't date co-workers." It gets messy. I learned the hard way. Dated I guy I had worked with for several years. He broke me down over a year...we dated and lasted only a few short months...then there was the lack of the clean break (seeing him daily). It was very messy. It's been 2 years. Geesh, ex-boyfriend who? The only complication was occassionally seeing him at meetings, court, and trainings after he got a new job working for the state.
Having been in my abusive work environment too long, and after having bounced my head on the glass ceiling 3 years ago, I also decided to apply to work for the state - it is the only option for work to stay in the field. It was a big deal when I got the job - over 100 had applied. There was apprehension, how will be to work where the ex is? Nah, there are over 75 people in the department and 5 different divisions. I probably wouldn't even see him.
I arrived at my first day. "Check in with Ellen, she's going to be your supervision." Shoot! The ex and I are going to be in the same division?! I check in with Ellen and aside from the drama of the ex, she's a good supervisor and I'll be working in a good division. Ellen directs me to my new office..... please take a deep breath, because what's about to happen isn't even humorous.... I'll be working right next door to my ex. We're talking neighbors, we're talking I can hear him breath, clear his throat, I can hear his phone calls.
GOD! What in the world are you trying to teach me?!
-JLT

Tomorrow or maybe it will be To Sore OHHHH

I am a terrible sister. I got caught up in 360Yahoogroups and forgot to update on this one and J has been feeling mighty lonely manning this site all by herself. So…. tomorrow we plan on tackling the giant known as “The Incline.” We have done it before so the fool thinks that a second time will be easier. Who really knows?! Now, you might have thought, they will in Colorado and could be referencing Pikes Peak. Oh no, my friend, Big Girls think smaller than that, however, the 1-mile uphill climb is one for the cardio workout and beautiful behind builder and what girl can regret that? Later tomorrow, I and a couple of other people will be heading down to P-Town for the State Fair. YippeHiKiYeah!! We will be eating terrible things, walking through the stinky farm animal cages, whooing and awing over the kids participating in the greased pig games, looking at EVERY species of hen both edible and decorative. We will look at too many quilts, too many samples of Mary Jane’s strawberry preserves and we will be enticed too many times to sit through a cookware presentation. It’s interesting all the cookware companies are named different but they all seem to come from the same town in PA. hmmm…
-CAT

Time Lapse

Today I was driving on Boulder and saw a young man crossing the street in a riding outfit. Had the khaki-colored riding pants, boots to his knees and carrying a helmet/hat. Having recently watched Kate and Leopold my mind began to wander about him being out of place, perhaps lost in time from another era and then, as if on cue, he took off his shirt. I was sure, then, that the more appropriate allusion would be Collin Firth as Mr. Darcy in the BBC Pride and Prejudice. Perhaps this little man was lost and needed help. My light turned green and it didn't seem appropriate to continue to stare, slow down, or stop. I suppose I will never know if he was searching for his hole in the time continuum.

Grapes of Wrath

So, last week .... the last week of my job, by the way...
I come into my office. Things are different - it has been cleaned! My cheap boss was paying his lazy son to clean the office on the weekends, which meant, grime, dirty carpets and dust. I'm afraid it wasn't enough for me to make time to clean my own space....so it was a noticeable difference. My boss had hired someone to come in and clean. It was as I settled in that I became annoyed. This clock was moved, that plant completely relocated, this magazine placed here, that file placed there. She clearly took the liberty to get creative... and then, as I am rummaging around for some paperwork I see that she placed a raisin on a stack of filing. She picked the raisin off the floor and put it on my stack of files. Why? Did she think I needed it? That it would go missing? It was so strange to me. She clearly had her own opinion about appropriate placing of my things but left the raisin. Very Strange.

Window Pain

I was so excited when I moved into my new office. Bigger, built-in shelves and a huge window. I'll be honest - I had visions of scenes from "My Fat Greek Wedding" where the average woman was snatched up by the attractive man who occasionally passed by her window. Perfect - it'll be like the pet shop at the mall. I'll be one of the puppies in the window.
Love has not found me on Kiowa street. Harsh reality has. As of late, it's been transients chilling out on the bench right outside my office. There is one guy in particular. He wears a big winter jacket, even in the hottest of weather. He's in his own world - rolling his own cigarettes...every now and then he'll hop up and start dancing - he's got rhythm. I've tried to connect with him through the glass but he doesn't make eye contact. Too bad, I thought we could create our own gesture jargon and chat through the window.
Today, it has been a bit more tragic. There is a guy who is blind and appears to be mentally unstable. He was here a couple weeks ago. I saw him in the afternoon out there at the bench until I left for the day. I was concerned when I came back the next day to find him still sitting. People walked by and offered him things: drinks, food, money. He refuses help. He became increasingly agitated so I called the police dept, moments later to discover some volunteer EMT recognized him and had called as well. The paramedics came and took him off. I was surprised to see him again, today.
Moments ago a belligerent drunk came and sat next to him and yelled at people as they walked by. It was horribly entertaining and I found myself unable to pull away from the reality show I was watching. What would he say to this guy? How will she respond? Oh, look at the teenagers snicker as they pass. I only wish I had a volume knob.
-jlt

Cabin Fever

Long weekend! Love it!
CT and I had company over last night - we grilled some steak, sat on the porch, drank some wine - it was perfect out there. This morning I woke up and got packed up to head into the mountains. I took off windows on the Jeep and headed up 24. I got all giddy inside, driving through the mountains, hair blowing crazy in the wind. I've got to get up here more - it's crazy to live in Colorado and rarely leave the springs - no wonder I want to move - I'm not taking advantage of the treasures here. The cabin is perfect - I did some lounging outside, reading, napping, and internet searching already today. I'll make dinner and then maybe play some atari - woohoo! Hopefully at sometime, go kayaking or hiking. Right now I think I'll play a little John Denver....
-jlt

27?! How did it happen?

I had a good day on the 25th. Took the day off of work - it used to be one of those things you could bet on - you get your birthday off - supposed to be a perk of the job. But lately, the office enviroment is so severely tense and abusive you don't dare assume anything. "Hey, Hoss, I'm going to take my birthday and tomorrow I'll come in early and leave early." I like to say things matter of factly - in fact, my co-worker just brought that to my attention yesterday, I have a professional voice that indicates I'm not asking, I'm informing... when did that happen?
"What?" he says in a grunt. I keep my stance, "I'm taking Thursday off, it's my birthday and I'm leaving early tomorrow." 180 out of there before he can question my intentions. I suppose if he had a problem I will discover it soon enough.
I had breakfast on the porch - the made over porch - it is so perfect now, new carpet, plants, clean. And then mom and I went to ParkMeadows. Mom said I could shop for an outfit - unfortunately times have changed and we weren't at Kohl's. I did get some pants for work and some summer tanks. However, I DO NOT recommend clothes shopping on one's birthday - there's nothing to celebrate when standing in a small closet, harsh lighting and horribly honest mirrors. Next year I think I'll go spa. Get pampered some.
Then went to dinner with the family and friends. That evening, talking to a friend, I had a wrinkle in time experience. I've known her for years - who would've thought when we were friends at 18 that we'd be sitting around and talking about how life was at 24, 25? When did 24 and 25 become "years ago?"
-jlt

old maids

late spring is always an interesting time for us. Ct has a April Birthday, JT has a May and I have a June birthday. Every year the age we gain is more and more severely OLD. It's tragic really. JT, myself and a friend were dis"cuss"ing tonight the grey area that our ages have put us in... too old for partying and not a place where marriage and kids are an option. It's weird... so we find ourselves singing Whitney Houston in a Starbucks at Briargate Bluffs. =-)

I hope that this year is a rockin' one and I don't mean in a rocking chair. Happy Birthday to you. We, along with the red-headed stepchild, are also glad that you came out your mother's "haree vahina" on your journey.

Love you!

I can see clearly now

I woke up Friday morning - ugh - I hate mornings, never enough time, moving slowly. I go to put in my contacts. I didn't wear them the day before, I wear them too much and always get scolded by the eye doctor about oxygen and blood vessels. I open the case and my contacts are nowhere to be found. What? I look through the medicine cabinet, maybe I grabbed the wrong case...no, I can't find another one. I call CAT at work: "hey, can you see?"
"yes"
"hmmmm, my contacts aren't in my case, did you maybe put mine in?"
"no, if I had yours in I wouldn't see anything...is the bathroom trash still there? I threw a case away yesterday...."
CAT is going through this big purge, throwing things away, de-cluttering. I disgustingly dig through the trash, a contact case...not mine. I'm becoming angry at the possibility of her purging my stuff... I dig some more, nothing. I look again in the medicine cabine (this will happen 4 more times) in my make-up bag, on my dresser, in her room...nothing. I am down on the ground, looking under the claw-foot tub, around the radiator, could it have fallen and rolled somewhere? Time is ticking, I will be late for work. I know I should throw on my glasses, but now I must find the contacts. I feel like I'm losing my mind... I've been wearing contacts for over 12 years (how did I get so old?)and this has never happened. I see this as a reflection of my life, of course, and get emotional - I'm losing my mind and now I have to go to work and I'm unhappy and I'm single and geesh I've been wearing contacts for years and I'm old....
I go into my room to slap on my make-up..... wait a second.... I can see? I jump up close to the mirror... sure enough...there they are...my contacts are in my eyes! Oh my lands! It is crystal clear: I am losing my mind! I am going crazy! I'm a freak!
-jlt

You deserve better

What does that mean? I've heard, "you deserve better" at least 3 times in the last week from single, female friends. Sure, the response is exactly what I expected to hear in at least two of the scenarios, but is it realistic? I am beginning to realize I hit it off with the ladies very well. It's the guys I'm having a hard time convincing. There are times when I know I am my worst critic and other times when I think I am quite a catch. Where is the balance? And where is the discernment when times are tough and you "work with what you got?"


Another thought today:
A young girl was sitting on the bench outside of my office window. Her shirt read, "I had a nightmare I was a brunette." Her hair was clearly chemically treated and I was concerned that someday she will realize she is a brunette and then her nightmare will really only be beginning.

Also:
I had a guy in my office today who was wearing a polo shirt. The print on the shirt was of other polo shirts under v-neck sweater vests - a truly disturbing sight. Why wear a polo shirt of other polo shirts? I had a hardtime focusing on what he was saying.
-jlt

Super Nanny

I watched Super Nanny the other night and I decided that everyone loves Jo because she is a normal sized women - or a little overweight. Dads like her: she is beautiful and friendly. Moms like her: she isn't intimidating and is safe. Children like her: she gets down on their level and plays with them. I tried to imagine how the show would go if Jo was a tall, slender blonde, with a rack. It wouldn't work.

I recently attended a baby shower and sat next to a woman I had never met. She asked if I had a family of my own. Mom and dad??? I politely returned the question. She is married, no children, but they do have a cat and that is like their child. She then proceeded to tell me how she is disciplining her cat despite the common assumption that cats cannot be trained. She explained how she has learned much of her tools on Super Nanny. You see, instead of a "naughty chair" she is using a naughty bathroom. If the cat does something bad, it is placed in the designated john. After a couple of minutes, the cat is released. She assured me that the cat does not like it in there. I asked her if this routine of discipline was working...."well, I'm not sure yet."

Where's Waldo?

I stayed late at work last night and spent a good portion of my Saturday working on an application to the District Probation office. It would mean better pay, state employee benefits and getting out of my current office. I'm not really even sure I would want the job (I want to get out of this town and work in a more positive environment...i want to be nice) but I've decided that if I don't try, then I don't have the option - so at the very least I will apply for the option.
After some progress, I went to the Citadel with CAT - I was looking for a new nose ring and ran into one of my probationers (along with her 4 er make that 5, bun in the oven, children and her extremely pierced friend). Awkward.
We then passed one of my guys who works at a kiosk - I did not look in his direction... to avoid any more awkwardness.
This evening I went out for sushi and ice cream with some friends. At the restaurant there was a guy who is supervised by one of my co-workers. After ice cream, while walking back to my apartment, I spot another one of my guys - ready for a night on the town.
Earlier this week I discovered I am supervising a friend of a ex-fiance of a friend. Last weekend I was greeted at Target.
Man oh man.... do I want to stay in this field? I literally cannot go ANYWHERE?! Where is the anonymity? I feel like there isn't a "safe" place in this town where I can go without seeing someone who is/was on probation with me or a co-worker. Ugh! Are they all people I need to avoid - no - but I don't want to see them.
It's funny - when I logged in here today, I thought, "why don't we use our names? why so mysterious?" Then I remembered my inspiration. I had been urged by numerous friends to try on-line dating. I signed up for a match.com account, filled out my profile and provided pictures. It wasn't horribly successful, but I did get a handful of emails (none of my pursuers were worth getting to know). One day, I received an email and read the text before the picture popped up: "Hey Jana, thank you for not getting totally mad at me for missing my appointment on Wednesday. This isn't a come on, just wanted to tell you what a great job you do."
And then the picture - it was the guy you'd never want emailing you.The guy on my caseload with long hair, Led Zepplin t-shirts, tight stonewashed jean shorts....the horror! I can't win.

CEO

I have become a business woman. I own my own business. It is scary and hard and takes a lot of time and a lot of research but I have decided that it is worth it. I am CEO and operator of something. I hope that I can operate this business better than I opperate my life!
cmt

Old School

So, it has been forever since I blogged my life occurances so we are going to have a few in row.
Recently I got onto myspace and did some playing around... My Space offers a plethora of opportunity to find new people and old friends (or foe) depending on your desire. So I have to admit, IT IS AN ADDICTION...looking up old friends and then looking at their friends and finding other friends. It is crazy. I have found too many of my friends have gotten married since I came up to Alaska. AND some have even had kids!!!
I am sure that some of the people could care less if I knew how they were doing or what they were up to but it is neat to get a glimpse into their life.
cmt

Peace that passes understanding

On Thursday, God was gracious and revealed to me why He has not blessed my job search and why I am still here. It's amazing how easily I forget He knows/establishes the bigger plan. I've been looking at my little scenario from my perspective - what I want to do, what I don't want to do, where I want to go, where I don't want to stay. There is so much more to why I am here than what I see - go figure. I am establishing a friendship with a non-believer who has reached rock-bottom and has made me aware of my impact on their life. Suddenly, work doesn't seem so bad and this town doesn't seem so small. I will stay as long as God wants me here. It's a shame I couldn't trust God in blind faith, but I am thankful that he has enlightened me.
-jlt

Creepy -Creeperton

A good portion of my job is talking to various providers in the Springs. We contact each other to discuss client enrollment, compliance, and treatment. We build professional relationships, seldom meeting. Just recently Sheila said to me, "I hear all kinds of things about you. We should meet sometime over lunch. I'd love to put a face to the name." Nothing has come of that - but it is a common occurrence. Every now and then, one will show up at the office and introduce themselves. I find it a fascinating game - sometimes people look exactly like you would imagine them, and others are completely different. Dan and I had a conversation last week about being downtown and it being a good place to grab a bite to eat. "Well, I've never met you. It's been a while since I've been down to the office. You going to be there next Friday? Maybe I'll stop by and say 'hello.'"
So, on Friday I'm walking out of the community restroom, back to my office when I hear a, "Jana? Hey,how are you?"
"oh...it's Friday!" I shook his hand with my wet one. I had completely forgotten about it and half expected to be out of the office at lunch. But, no, here it was and here he was. Pretty close to what I imagined. An older (50s) man, hispanic. Okay, so we've seen each other...what now? I walk into my office, he follows and takes a seat. He's doing the creepy, once-over thing with his eyes. It dawns on me that this isn't just a put the name with the face game... I think Dan was expecting more. I'm uncomfortable and suggest he meet the new employees in the office and I drag my 2 female co-workers into my office to meet him. They don't stay long and both smile at me on their way out. I was praying it wouldn't get anymore awkward. Maybe this isn't that weird - maybe I'm just being overly sensitive. After small talk, he finally gets up to leave. I thank him for coming by and throw in the cliche face and name line. He leaves.... and then all of my co-workers crowd around and discuss the entire incident. I gather I wasn't being overly sensitive because they all found it extremely funny and wanted to know when Dan and I would be seeing each other again. Eeeagah!
-jlt

President's Day

I get so excited for days off! Especially when they aren't days off for everyone. I was going to get up early and make the most of this President's day. The morning started an hour after it was supposed to - just couldn't get out of bed. I went to the gym and saw the most appalling sight. A man in the shortest shorts I have ever seen. He wasn't German or old...which are scenarios where I expect to see shockingly small shorts - he was a mostly good-looking, buff fellow. I was so scared he might sit down and expose himself.
I had grand plans to be diligent and look for jobs today - my goal was to complete 2 applications before I could do anything fun. I hate looking for jobs - I want to leave my current situation so badly, but find my job search has really been unsuccessful. No significant leads, no interviews, no new job. I sat down today to begin an on-line app for a job overseas - dreaming big, right? I worked for a couple hours to get to the appropriate site to fill out their resume (why can't i just give you the one I've already worked on, again?) and finally when I got to the end I had to enter my eligibility status, my what? When all was said and done - I had filled out the wrong resume and the archaic website had no "back" option. In the process of determining how to transfer or save my info - the window I had worked so hard on, was replaced by a brand new empty resume form. I completely fell apart... sobbed like a baby. I am so ready to move on to something different. A new city, new people, new environment, new employer and it feels like everything is working against me. I used to blame myself for being too lazy, not putting enough effort into it. But, geesh - here it is... the free day - sales, nice weather, and I'm hunched over the computer...I'm really trying. Just don't feel like God is opening the window.
I did get to spend some time with a good friend - laughter really is good for the soul, and I just finished my taxes. Uncle Sam owes me a nice chunk this year. Now if I could just get back on the horse and fight the beast that is the job search.
-jlt

Competition

I was invited to join a friend for a lacrosse game in Denver.

What began as an innocent invite became a blind date. Her boyfriend was, "going to bring one of his friends." I might add I had great apprehension for the evening. My friend invited me to spend the night or "crash" at her boyfriend's place in Denver instead of making the trek back to the Springs. She also added I should bring my bathing suit because her boyfriend's apt complex has a hot tub. Who does that? Who gets into their skivies with strangers? Much less a hot tub?
We arrive at the game - and let me say - lacrosse is a super fun sport to watch. The crowds were intense, the game is fun, plenty to be entertained by...except the discomfort of realizing the entertainment/sport industry caters to the fellas. During breaks, dancers would come out onto the floor, scantly dressed, swinging their hair around, with suggestive moves. Eeeks! What do you do? I contemplated most of the day what I would wear to this event, tried to go for an attractive casual look, and here I am sitting next to a guy I just met and watching dancers. Do you look at him? Do you avoid watching the dancers? Do you attempt to talk about the weather or that last crazy play while the chicks are shaking their...things.
At the next break a tall blonde in tight jeans and tall boots came out and announced a crowd participation game, at which time my new friend said, "wow, there are blonde bimbos at every break." He then pointed out the hot tub across the way with 4 bikini wearing ladies. Nice. Awkward. His consolation was that maybe at halftime they would have chip-n-dale dancers. I appreciated his addressing the topic, better than the naked elephants in the room thing. Alas, no male dancers, no guys in the hot tub (don't confuse that for disappointment - just a recognition of lack of equality... or something). You try hard to be attractive, to dress well, to be friendly, to engage and then you have to compeat with that, er them. Did I metion the old man behind me was shouting, hooting and hollering during the show? But not a peep during the game.
-jlt

Very Pretty Song Lyrics

There is something about this song that is so beautiful. When I heard on 89.7, I thought of a lullaby but after reading the lyrics, it more of a love letter. Perfect for Valentine's Day. -CAT

The Incredible Shrinking Woman

I went to the Dr. yesterday and found out that I was not the 5'4" that I have, for the past decade and a half, reluctantly resigned myself to accept....
I am officially 5'3" and 1/4th of an inch.
I am not even the average height of a woman.
I feel like I should at least be 5'8" but maybe that's my ego speaking on my behalf.

Right now, I am ok with turning 30 in June but give it four more months and get back to me about it. If I am over-reacting about the loss of 3/4ths of an inch wait until the idea of another decade lost sinks in. However, now that I am shorter, it's got to sink a little lower. =-(