P.S.

I am currently experiencing Pretend Syndrome. Pretend Syndrome is when, in life, you realize that you have no idea what you are doing. You go through the motions, because it is expected of you...but there is a deep fear that someone is going to find you out. They're going to figure out that you have no idea what you are doing and expose you to everyone.
I feel like this frequently. Like today, speaking with a heroine addict. I do what I need to do, I ask the questions, I challenge the answers and I attempt to direct. But, when it comes down to it - I know very little about addictions and can't relate at all. I recognize my dependany on Starbucks coffee, other than that... I've got nothing. Can she tell that when she talks about shooting up I want to cry for her? Give her a hug?
I have volunteered to be a chaperone for the church junior high winter retreat this weekend. I thought it would give me an opportunity to get to know some of my girls better and they needed another female leader. The closer Friday gets, the more anxious I am. Does no one notice that I'm not a "leader?" That I really don't know what I am doing? I'm feelig the pressure that "cabin time" for 5 teens is my responsiblity. Not to mention my time on the mountain with the skiiers and snowboarders. I volunteered to hang out on the bunny slope and it is now sinking in that I'm not just taking care of #1.
I ran around tonight, trying to get winter gear - feeling too rebelious to fork out the dough for a helmet (which is mandatory for the students). I received a schedule for the weekend and realized that I am responsible to get kids here and there by now and then... I don't own a watch. I had to go out and buy a watch?!
P.S. Don't tell anyone...I will pretend my best and maybe no one the fear behind my eyes.